29 Feb 2016
One of the students there, John, is a retired NYC FireFighter. He was there for 9-11. Very interesting to see someone change SO much with this kind of path.
He’s studied Qigong, Reiki, and a bunch of other stuff, all within a small amount of time. He has lost 100 lbs, changed his anger issues, and gotten off of all the pills they put him on for PTSD, etc.
Very inspiring dude.
He led us in a Qigong session each day, and now I totally want to take that next. Very refreshing. The whole weekend was, actually.
All the energy work flowing in and out of everyone, I just feel like a million bucks. I didn’t sleep Saturday, because I was buzzing so much. But I slept really well last night.
Sunday, the last thing we did before our final attunements was an eye gazing. People hate those! It’s hilarious how uncomfortable it is for adults to stare in each other’s eyes; but for kids, a staring contest is fun.
I got partnered with John, the firefighter. He practices his own mirror-work daily, and so, he is really good at not blinking. That made it a lot more intimidating for me. He was just intensely powerful.
He started tearing up. We had to tell each other what we saw in each other’s eyes. (Now I’ve done this exercise before, and seen all kinds of cool visuals, but this time, all I saw was the way he was looking into me).
He got really serious,
“You have the Old Wisdom. I sense that you are afraid to step into your role. What are you afraid of? You shouldn’t be afraid of other people, and what they think of you; they should be afraid of you! You are powerful. You are to be feared. You need to STEP INTO YOUR POWER! Don’t be afraid. Step into your power!”
I had to just sit there for a moment. All of a sudden all these insights started flooding into me about my mother, and my own past relationships.
These men that are hurting us, and leaving us, it REALLY is a reflection of them. (This is not specific to men, per say, just the person in the relationship who cheats, or leaves suddenly/without warning.)
Many things in this world train us to not need a man. Instead we women feel like we have to be equal, nay, better than a man, in order to be ‘worth something’.
The problem for the ‘Phoenix Women,’ as I will lovingly call them, is when one loves a person, and they seem unable to hold a candle to her flame. She is so powerful, and independent, that like Icarus trying to love the Sun, they melt in her presence. I feel like this is a constant issue for strong/independent women.
And so, as many loves do, when facing a flame of such magnitude, they all feel invalid, inadequate, and unworthy. (Personally, I think they are unworthy, based on hindsight of their actions).
Because they don’t earn our love with their actions, we don’t desire them physically. (Especially after the abuse that many women have survived).
Because we don’t sleep with them, they feel even more invalidated. Many a woman will even go so far as to offer herself in ‘duty of a wife’ if they ask, but obviously they want to be desired, not simply ‘permitted’ to use her.
So they go conquer someone else. Someone easier to hunt/capture, that makes them feel desired. I have always thought it interesting that many people find it easier to hunt/conquer a NEW prey, than to simply re-hunt and re-earn their current spouse/significant other.
Maybe because the new person doesn’t know their deepest/darkest parts of themselves. Maybe they don’t re-earn their love’s affections, because it means facing all the mistakes they have made, that drove them away in the first place.
But I digress.
So yeah, I just kept saying “step into your power” during the whole attunement. And I just woke up FILLED with…a feeling. This is what I don’t know how to put into words. I feel, at least for now, whole again. The different parts of myself that split off, are all blended back together.
Like a blend of essential oils, or a completed delicious recipe, or a new color on my paint pallette. Not so much a sum of all its parts, but a single, unified energy within me. A single, unified, powerful….me.