21 Oct 2014
To err is human, to forgive is divine
One of the most interesting discussions I have with my friends surrounds the strangeness one feels when they’re going through the awakening process. A lot of times you feel very ‘between realms’ and are half up in the clouds, with only one foot on the ground. The sensations can be confusing enough to experience, but to then attempt to explain it in human words can feel almost impossible.
To know something, not in my head through the words, but in my soul with no words at all is when I feel the most wise. The brain “understands”; but the soul, (spark, akasha/prana, essence) knows a thing inherently, and without having to speak that knowledge into existence in order to validate its truth. Perhaps this is the ancient basis of the concept we humans have labeled as “faith.”
I’m learning to notice the presence of both my cognitive computer-like brain, and my quiet wise old soul and understand how they’re not one and the same…
An awkward truth has come upon me from this learning: I feel bad being basic and unenlightened sometimes. I also get the sensation that I am half in my body, half up in the ether.
The part of me that is ‘half out’ or ‘enlightened’ is super happy, as if it has been freed from the confines of being merely a dirty dirty human and all the human’s nasty habits like ego and jealousy.
The ‘half in’ or ‘human’ part is even more jealous and egoist because it wants to join the ‘enlightened’ part. It’s mad. So conceptually, the more ‘enlightened’ I try to be through all my substances, and “woo woo” stuff (reiki, yoga, meditation), the harder it is for me to survive in the world like a normal person.
It’s been this way since the Retreat in April; I’ve been trying to live half and half, yet always feeling out of place. It’s been very very hard, but ultimately good for me I think. I had lost respect for being human. I took all my various aches and pains personally, and have always thought my body was holding me back.
I like this next picture for explaining my concept, the deflated body is my enemy: always broken, keeping me down; keeping me from what I COULD BE
The gift I received from Grandmother at the Retreat was to accept my body as my spaceship, my ‘meat suit’ if you will. She allowed me to separate myself from the pain and experience it as simply a physical stimuli happening to my ship. In no way was I required to take it to heart every time something hurt. And for a while, I was thrilled.
Now that I’ve been placed back in my body in August, I have to accept that I’m human. My Reiki teacher said the same thing, “I like Reiki, and like my head in the clouds sometimes, but in the end I’m human and I want to enjoy a glass of wine with my Sex and The City”
But anyone must be able to say they’ve experienced a time when they’re so tired of their own inner monologue, that they just want knock themselves out so they can be in total silence, if only just for a moment or two.
Instead, I need to respect that I’m HUMAN, and DEAL with that. Deal with ego, and jealousy, and bad things (challenges) that come my way, and my body, and ACCEPT my life. (Note, this previously said “my lot in life,” but again that is implying that my life could be somehow ‘better’ than it is, and the point is to acknowledge that things are actually just as they are supposed to be)
I’m IN my body again. And I hate it! I feel like I’m being grounded by God instead of my Mom. I am simply trying to label and live by those labels instead of letting things flow, and discovering different ways of coexisting.